


Everything Hidden Behind A Mask

by iamliterallyahotpocket



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: (and yes they suck), (it’s true you know it), Anxiety, Binding (mentioned), Cops are Mentioned, Daehyun Gets Drunk, Disordered Eating, Gender Dysphoria, HRT, Jaewon is Good At Lying, Jaewon is Hiding Things, Jaewon is Slightly Drunk, Kang Dongho is Bad at Showing His Emotions, Kang Dongho is a Tsundere, MAYHEM Has A Tiny Balcony, MORE dysphoria, Minsoo Gets Drunk, Other, Panic Attacks (mentioned), Paranoia, Period Products (mentioned), Psychiatric Ward (mentioned), Self-Doubt, Social Media, Stalking, Stargazing, The Police Show Up, Therapy (mentioned), Top Surgery (mentioned), Trans Ahn Jaewon, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, city watching, questionable eating habits, supportive parents, voice dysphoria
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26038933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamliterallyahotpocket/pseuds/iamliterallyahotpocket
Summary: “I wish I could tell you who I really am.”Jaewon knows he’s lucky to have debuted. In fact, Mayhem’s debut is what proved his luck.Especially since he’s trans.High Class Entertainment has kept that fact very carefully hidden from the public- and from Jaewon’s bandmates.However, his luck seems to be running out.With Mayhem’s anticipated move into a dorm quickly approaching, Jaewon had realized that it was only a matter of time before someone pieced it all together and figured him out.After that, how easy would it be for them to uncover everything else?—Mayhem had a dorm to move into, and despite knowing how cramped their shared apartment would be, Dongho, Daehyun and Minsoo were looking forward to it.Perhaps they’d finally be able to learn more about Wyld- the only member who was still somewhat mysterious to all of them.How many secrets can one person hide?
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Everyone, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & His Parents, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Kang Dongho | D.Min
Comments: 20
Kudos: 101





	1. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Dysphoria, Anxiety, Discussion of Medical Stuff, Coming Out

Jaewon knew he was lucky. Maybe that’s why it hurt so much more to have seemingly everyone against him.

*

After all, he _was_ lucky to be in Mayhem.

The fact that the company had even considered him - fully aware of his “condition,” as the CEO had put it - was unheard of. If that information were to get out, it would cause a media storm, even bigger than the ones that usually plagued Wyld.

*

He _was_ lucky to not be on a constant prescription.

He had gotten on testosterone during his first year of high school, but had to stop after only a year and a half. With both the academic pressure and the unrelenting bullying that came from his classmates, he already suffered from far too much anxiety. The hormones did nothing to help, and he instead wound up in a psychiatric ward for a week. Between his regular therapist and the one assigned to him at the hospital, it was decided that he had to stop.

It wasn’t what he necessarily wanted, but he knew it was for his own good. His anxiety lessened, and his therapist later informed him that he would have had to choose whether to stay on testosterone or not after two years or so.

“If you were to stay on it for more than 3 or so years, your body would begin relying on artificial hormones and would stop producing natural ones. I don’t think you’d want to keep injecting yourself every two weeks for the rest of your life.”

Jaewon had to admit, he didn’t like needles. So even though he couldn’t gain muscle as quickly as he used to, and he couldn’t grow facial hair, and his period returned, he wasn’t too mad.

*

He _was_ lucky to not have obvious scars.

He had gotten top surgery during winter break between his second and third year of high school, and had flown all the way to LA to do so. It had been difficult to get a recommendation, and had taken far too many visits to different plastic surgeons to get the recommendation, but the date had been scheduled and his name was on a list in some office in California. He had even qualified to get the keyhole procedure done, which would leave him with far less scarring than normal. It was practically a dream come true for Jaewon.

*

He _was_ lucky he had even been able to come out.

He was in middle school at the time, his first year. And he hated it.

Everything, from the uniform (unlike his elementary school, there was a vey strict dress code for girls and no, he wasn’t allowed to wear pants), to role call (he hated his name. It wasn’t right, not at all), to his hair (the dress code required him to have hair no shorter than a bob cut), to the way his chest looked when he wore anything other than a sports bra that was probably a size too small, to a much more embarrassing incident when his mom pulled him into her bathroom and told him all about “that time of the month” and sent him back to his room with a small basket of pads to keep on hand.

It was all miserable and definitely not normal. He knew that because he had mentioned it once, in passing, to a “friend” about how he hated not having a flat chest. She stared at him and laughed.

“What kind of guy would pay attention to a girl with a flat chest? Everyone knows guys like big boobs. Are you not into guys or something?”

“No! I-I am. Into guys, I mean.”

“You don’t even have much of a chest, anyway. My sister’s planning on getting implants, if they turn out well I’ll let you know which doctor she went to. You could probably use it.”

He searched it that night. “Is it normal to want a flat chest?” Most of the forums he found were full of people saying the same thing his “friend” had - girls who want flat chests are probably gay, and if they aren’t, then they’re weird.

The more positive forums didn’t mention any of the other issues he faced. All the girls there liked their names, their long hair, their skirts (however long or short). None of them were like him.

Eventually, he came across one that was fully in English. So, slowly, he read over it, often resorting to an online translator. Finally he had an answer. He was trans. Everything matched up. But there was just one rather large issue, that being almost everything.

He’d have to ask the school to give him permission to cut his hair short and wear the boys uniform and call him by the right name (he needed a new name, too). He’d need to ask his parents to buy him a binder, to get a therapist, to go on hormones, and they’d probably have to be the ones to convince the school.

They’d hate him. The stupid little boy who took away their darling girl.

So he said nothing. His hair grew longer, and even though he hated everything about it, he didn’t ask to get a haircut. He didn’t tell anyone his correct name (he had chosen Jaewon) even after one of his teachers held him back after class one day to ask him why he always asked to “go to the bathroom” shortly after attendance was taken (he couldn’t tell her the truth, either. Jaewon didn’t exactly know what the school’s response to a student having almost daily panic attacks was, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t anything he wanted to take part in). He didn’t say anything when he out grew that sports bra - the closest thing to a binder he could get - even though he couldn’t look at himself in the mirror and more often than not, he’d drown his body in much-too-big hoodies that really didn’t suit the weather.

But eventually he couldn’t take it anymore, and before he knew it he was trying to explain to his parents why he had chopped off his hair in the bathroom at three in the morning on a school night. Everything came tumbling out along with his tears: from the forums to the hoodies to the now full-blown panic attacks he had almost every night.

His mom had sat on the floor with him, rubbing his back as he sobbed and his dad sat across from him, cross-legged on top of the toilet lid.

“That’s everything. That-that’s why I cut my hair.” For a moment, the cramped bathroom was silent.

“Alright, Jaewon - that’s the right name, right? I’ll call the school and let them know you won’t be there tomorrow, and then I’m taking you to get your hair properly cut. Right now, I think you need to get to bed,” his dad said carefully. “We are going to have to talk about this more tomorrow, but tomorrow isn’t for another three hours or so.”

His mom had helped him up from the floor and wiped the tears off his cheeks, gently guiding him back to his bedroom. He was so tired from the months of knowing who he was but not being able to let anyone else know, and the sobbing, and the panic attack he had had earlier that evening and so he just followed his mom. He didn’t complain about how she was tucking him in like he was a toddler, or when she pressed a kiss to his forehead, and instead of laying awake for hours as he usually did, he was asleep before his mom had closed his door.

*

Jaewon really was lucky. He knew that, and yet, staring up at the ceiling of his apartment that was far too small for how much he paid in rent every month, he couldn’t bring himself to feel it.

_if i was really lucky, i wouldn’t have to be the bad guy._


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Dysphoria, Stalking, Paranoia,

The silence of his apartment made his skin crawl. Ever since that photo of him sleeping found its way to twitter, Jaewon couldn't shake off the feeling that something- no, _someone_ \- was watching him.

Even when he was in the bathroom, he could sense it. _Eyes, everywhere_. His hands shook as he locked the door. A shower could help. The pounding of the water would make it just a little less quiet, and maybe the heat could help relax his shoulders.

The shower knob squeaked as he turned it, just how it always did. Water began streaming from the shower head, narrowly missing Jaewon's arm. He retreated to sit on the floor in front of the sink, waiting for the water to heat up and fog the mirror.

Jaewon couldn't stand looking at himself in a mirror for too long. Even with short hair, and the jawline, and a flat chest, he still found things about himself that disgusted him. His waist was too narrow and his hips stuck out too much, his abs wouldn't even show up after months of working out and dieting, his shoulders weren't broad enough (which was the exact reason why he wore shirts and hoodies that were far too big for him), his thighs weren't muscular enough to be the size they were (and he was very much aware that they were the reason he kept dieting, even when his manager told him not too.).

Waiting for the room to steam up took far too long- or maybe Jaewon was just impatient- but finally, the mirror wasn't an issue. Still, Jaewon turned away from it to get undressed, his shirt and sweatpants thrown into a corner.

He darted to stand under the stream of burning hot water, immediately beginning to massage his shampoo into his scalp. His brain could go on autopilot for awhile, and let everything wash down the drain, even if it was just for a few minutes. The scandals, the pressure Minsoo kept giving him to stop "causing trouble," the CEO's constant need to exert his power over Wyld, the person who could have possibly broken into his apartment-

and then Jaewon saw it.

A long, black hair coiled next to the drain. _There was someone in. his. apartment_.

He couldn't seem panicked, or act in anyway that would tip off the fact that Jaewon knew the person was there. He couldn't scream, or run around his room, getting things together to leave.

His hands shook as he rinsed his hair,as he reached to snap open another sweet-smelling bottle, as he carefully rubbed conditioner into his damaged hair. There's someone here. How do i get out how how how.

Daehyun and Minsoo were in Jeju for Mayhem's short break, so he couldn't call one of them. He couldn't call the cops either, they'd already told him not to call. Junsu? No, he didn't want his only friend outside of Mayhem to get roped into this. He could bullshit a call to the CEO, but what then?

He didn't want to have to call Dongho. He got the feeling that the older didn't particularly like him, and he probably wouldn't take it seriously. But Dongho was his only choice.

Jaewon rinsed his hair again and quickly shut off the water, grabbing a towel to dry off. After staining most of the white towels his mom had purchased for him when he moved to Seoul, he had bought black towels to prevent anything from getting stained by his stupid red hair.

He slipped on a bathrobe and padded out to his closet, grabbing the first clothes he saw: a white hoodie and his normal ripped black jeans, and he made sure to add boxers and his packer into the bundle before ducking back into the bathroom, again locking the door. Was it suspicious? Maybe, but he really couldn't care that much.

_I'll get dressed and call Dongho-hyung about doing something... a song cover! I'll have to text him to tell him to go along with it, won't I. That'll be easy enough._

As soon as he was sure his hair was as dry as it could be, Jaewon shoved his head into his hoodie, pulling at the neckline to make sure he hadn't stained it. Everything else was ready to go, except for calling Dongho.

Jaewon knew his phone was sitting on his bedside table, and that his backpack and his plushie were near his bed. Where was the person, though?

_I'll just have to risk it._

Towel around his neck, Jaewon carefully made his way to his bedroom and immediately picked up his phone to text Dongho.

_I'm going to call you..._

_Can you play along?_

He hurried to shove his penguin plushie into his bag, and then pressed "call" next to Dongho's contact.

All he heard for a few seconds was the phone ringing. Finally, Dongho picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey... you remember how we have a song cover to record?"

_play along play along play along_

"What are you talking about? We're on break."

_shit_

"The cover of 'Rescue Me,' remember?"

_take the hint please_

"Did you call the right person?"

_come on, Dongho_

"Since it's our break, let's finish it today. I can come over if you send me your address."

"Wait, wh-"

**Call Ended**

Jaewon sighed, dragging a hand through his still-damp hair.

_Please send me your address... I'll explain later|_

_sent X:XX am_

He slid his phone into his pocket and slung his bag over his shoulder as he walked to his entry way, shoving his feet into his shoes.

_i have to go i have to go i have to go_

The moment his shoes were on properly, Jaewon was out the door, not even bothering to check if it locked properly behind him. Not that it mattered much, anyway. Someone obviously knew the code to his apartment, what point was there in acting like he was still the only one?

The stairs passed by in a blur, suddenly he was outside, tugging his mask on over his face and pulling his hood up. His phone buzzed.

_XXX street, building number XXX_

_I'm apartment XXX_

A wave of relief crashed over Jaewon. Thank god. Maybe he'd finally be listened to.

*

"Someone took a photo of me... while I was asleep at home. So I called the police to see if someone was there... he said there wasn't anybody. But someone had to have been there to take that photo-"

"And it wasn't any of the girls you've slept with?"

Jaewon stared at Dongho for a moment: all long limbs and dark clothing and messy black hair that somehow came off as being elegant, even more so in his polished penthouse of an apartment.

Of course he wouldn't believe me.

"Ah- nevermind, I'll take care of it. Sorry for the trouble!" Just put on a smile, it'll be fine.

Dongho pursed his lips as Jaewon stood to leave.

"Hold on. How am I supposed to believe you if you don't tell me anything? Is there something I don't know?"

a pause.

I can't tell him everything. I can't. But maybe just a bit-

"The truth."

"The truth?"

The two stared at each other, Dongho feeling confused and Jaewon feeling oh so small under the older's gaze.

He crumpled.

"I'm not... that kind of person... even though everyone thinks I am."

"What? But there was that scandal, right before our comeback..."

Jaewon smiled, but it didn't seem like much of a smile. "It was a... a misunderstanding."

"Explain it to me."

With a sigh, Jaewon recounted the whole situation from his perspective. He had just tried to give a girl her money back, but the moment she realized who he was (or rather, the reputation he had) she had made a move on him.

Dongho scrunched up his forehead, obviously trying to take in the information he had received.

A finger tugged at the sleeve of his shirt.

"Hey- it's okay if you don't believe me... just believe it when I say I never invited anyone to my apartment."

Dongho reached out to ruffle Jaewon's hair, a slight smile pulling at his lips. "No, I believe you. For everything." He sank back onto the couch. "But I do have some questions."

Jaewon frowned and perched himself on the arm of the couch. "Like what?"

"If all those scandals were misunderstandings, then why didn't the CEO release statements saying so? And why did you write apologies taking the blame?"

Again, Jaewon gave another smile that wasn't quite real. "Because I was careless. I should have known better when I got into those situations. So I should face the consequences of the press."

"Alright. That's enough." Dongho stood, and called for his butler to prepare the car.

"Where are you going?"

" _We're_ going to catch the person who broke into your apartment."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for not updating last week, i had to drop a class 😔 i hope you’re all doing well and staying safe!
> 
> TW: Paranoia, Stalker Situation, Unhealthy Eating Habits

_God, it’s quiet_.

Jaewon had a rough idea of what to expect. He'd come home, alone, and whoever it was in his apartment would eventually reveal themselves.

His hands shook as he entered the passcode. His apartment was just as he had left it, his laptop open to a black screen and his glasses hanging out of their case on the desk.

He slipped off his shoes, and swung his backpack and his plushie onto the bed.

_what do i do. music, maybe?_

Carefully, and perhaps more quietly than he usually would, Jaewon sat down in his desk chair and pressed the power button for his laptop. It opened up to right where he had left it, staring at his desktop, and the only tab open was a videogame Minsoo had convinced him to get months ago.

He could hear soft footsteps behind him. _It's only because i know they're here. God, I'm glad I've been listening._

He tried not to shake too much, he didn't want to alert whoever it was to the fact that he knew they were there.

_Come on, do something. say so-_

"Darling~"

Oh. Jaewon felt a jolt of panic down his spine, and yet he turned to face-

her.

*

"Welcome home~"

Even though he was parked outside, Dongho swore he could feel her breathing down his neck.

He can hear a soft gasp from whoever it was answering his 112 call.

"Are you absolutely sure he doesn't have a girlfriend?"

"Jaewon? No, he doesn't. Believe me."

The phone call to Jaewon's room was suddenly filled with the sounds of struggling and Jaewon was asking someone to stop and

_oh god she's gonna kill him._

there’s a sickening thump that could only be the sound of someone’s body hitting the floor.

Dongho took a deep breath, hoping to dispel the shake he can feel in his throat. "Ma'am, is that enough evidence for you to send someone over?"

"I believe so, that was most definitely some form of assault I just heard. It’s going to take up to 30 minutes for an officer to arrive, is that alright?"

"It's fine. Thank you."

"Of course. Keep monitoring that call, though."

"Will do."

Dongho hung up.

And then he sat, ears craning to hear something from the other call.

*

He'd been hoping to hear something from Jaewon but it's been at least two minutes now, and surely he couldn't be dead yet, right?

“Hmm.... you really don’t have many things saved on here... what do you usually do with your free time?”

Dongho nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard the girl’s voice again. She was far too close to the other phone, and apparently snooping through Jaewon’s laptop.

He was supposed to be listening in case things escalated. Maybe he’d end up learning something about Jaewon.

“Wyld? Please answer. I miss hearing your voice.”

To Dongho’s disappointment, Jaewon stayed silent.

“Are you hungry? Should I make something for you to eat?”

He heard the fridge open, and a gasp of- shock? surprise?

“Oh no.... Darling, where’s all of your food?”

Dongho frowned.

_Jaewon doesn’t have any food? He has to have been eating, though._

He’d have to ask the younger later.

“Ah, I’ll just make some ramen for you. And we can go grocery shopping together later~ I’ll be living with you from now on after all.”

There’s the sound of metal clattering (she dropped something?) and then paper tearing and a crunch from something being stabbed into a ramen cup.

For what felt like the millionth time that day, Dongho’s heart sunk. _She’s got a knife._

As he let that settle in, the various clunks coming from the other side of his phone made it very clear that this girl was actually making ramen.

_She actually seems to care about him. She wants him to stop getting in scandals, and she’s willing to be the reason for that._

Dongho sunk back into the seat of his car. This was much more complicated than he thought it would be.

“Why aren’t you eating, darling? I made it just for you!”

It’s quiet for just a beat longer than it maybe should be.

“I can’t. My hands are tied.”

_He’s alive. Oh, thank god._

Dongho could practically feel some sort of weight lifting off of him as silence settled over the car again, even if it was for just a moment.

“Oh! That’s not a problem, I’ll just feed you!”

Yet again, there was the sound of something metal clattering to the floor. She dropped the knife?

“I-Im not hungry. Please just... tell me why you’re doing this.”

“Doing what? Don’t act like you don’t remember me, darling. You said I was your world”

_Oh. This is the girl that Jaewon kept talking about after that fansign. The one who gave him that plushie that he pretty much always carried. The one who asked Jaewon to sign her album “to my world.”_

He sat in stunned silence, barely paying attention to the girl describing how she got in.

“We can be together now.”

“W-what?”

“That’s what you want, isn’t it? Someone to love? That’s why you’re chasing after so many girls- to find one who loves you back.”

Dongho could see how she reached that conclusion. She didn’t know what he did, though. _Not that I know all that more than she does._

After all, according to Jaewon, every single one of his scandals were misinterpretations, and Dongho got the feeling that some were straight-up fakes engineered by the CEO.

“That can be me. Let it be me.”

Maybe, if it weren’t for the situation he was in, and for the tell-tale scrape of metal that could only mean that girl had picked up her knife again, Dongho would find that statement somewhat romantic. Maybe if it was in a drama, or anything that wasn’t real life.

But that was reality. And Jaewon’s life was still on the line.

*

“I’m so happy right now... I feel like I’m dreaming.”

It had been quiet for awhile, and the silence had sent Dongho into a mild panic. But the girl was talking now, and had been far too quiet for her to kill Jaewon.

“I know a lot of people don’t like you. But I do. I like you.”

“W-what’s your name?”

“Sohee!”

“Your family is probably wondering where you are, Sohee... it’s getting late, you should go home.”

It’s just like what he had heard Jaewon do hundreds of times before. Turning someone down politely, much more gentlemanly than the tabloids would have you believe. Dongho had to admit, it was a little bit impressive that Jaewon hadn’t ever snapped at someone.

“No! I’m living here with you from now on! And you can’t stop me!”

Right on time, almost as if they knew exactly when to make a dramatic entrance, Dongho heard sirens.

“Are those sirens outside? What did you do?! How did they find me?!”

Again, metal clattered against something, reminding Dongho that that girl still had a knife.

“You- betrayed me.”

There’s an awful clattering noise (she found the phone and fucking dropped it?!) and then a silence that could only be described as unearthly.

“I-... I have no choice!”

Dongho’s heart _stopped_.

_She’s going to kill Jaewon._

“Hold it!”

There’s a minute, then two, of incomprehensible screaming before Dongho disconnects the call and steps out of his car.

The police car was parked right in front of the apartment complex, and thankfully no crowd.

_The media would have a great time with this story. Jaewon’s career would probably be over._

The officers burst out of the building, walking a girl to their car. Dongho couldn’t tell how old she was, but she was screaming and crying and kicking at the officers, trying to run back into the complex.

Then, finally, Jaewon burst out onto the sidewalk. His hair was a mess, and he kept biting at his lip, fidgeting with the ends of his hoodie sleeves.

Dongho walked over and carefully placed his jacket on Jaewon’s shoulders. As he had expected, Jaewon was practically swimming in it.

“Good job. I’m glad you’re not hurt.”

Jaewon pulled the coat tighter around himself. “Ah- Dongho! Thank you for helping me... and believing me.”

“Ah... you’re Wyld, right?” One of the officers approached them, and began asking about whether or not Jaewon would be pushing charges.

He didn’t. Instead, he asked for it to be kept quiet, for the girl- Sohee- to be taken home. The officer agreed- albeit reluctantly- and got in his car to drive off.

Dongho cleared his throat, and stared right at Jaewon. “Why are you letting her go?”

Jaewon smiled, his eyes carefully avoiding Dongho’s. “You live in Gangnam, right? You should head home before it gets too late.”

_Jaewon, you little shit. Stop redirecting my questions._

“No, explain yourself first.”

Dongho stared, waiting for Jaewon’s reply. Jaewon stayed silent, something that, given the situation he’d just been in, worried Dongho. _I really shouldn’t leave him alone. Do I stay here? No, that’d be a disaster if he freaks out in the middle of the night or_ _something._

Dongho sighed. “C’mon, you can sleep at my place tonight,” he said, pulling Jaewon away from the building.

“Huh? But- my room is right here-“ Jaewon clutched at the jacket, trying desperately to keep it on his shoulders.

Dongho tugged at his wrist, spinning to face Jaewon again. “Do you really want to be in your room right now? After everything that’s happened in there?”

Jaewon’s shoulders slumped a bit. “Let me get spare clothes at least-“

“You can borrow mine. Let’s go.”

Dongho knew he was being a little harsh, but god was he worried. Sure, Jaewon seemed fine for now, but what little Dongho had seem of him (the real Jaewon, not one of the many masks he wore) was more than enough to cause concern.

Jaewon had been putting up with relentless hate for a little over a year, all of it because of something he never did. He hadn’t complained, hadn’t gone to anyone for help until now, and the company was apparently aware of it.

The food issue was something else that troubled Dongho. Jaewon had never mentioned being tight on money. In fact, he was most often the one to show up with some new streetwear hoodie or tshirt. The fact that he apparently didn’t have any food except for instant ramen was concerning. Dongho was pretty sure that Jaewon was the slimmest amongst all the members of Mayhem. He wouldn’t be placed on a diet, he was already bordering on being too thin. Right?

As Dongho marched Jaewon to the car, he pulled his phone out. _One issue at a time, I guess._

“Is there anything you’d like to eat?”

“What?”

“I’m ordering food, and we’re watching a movie once we get to my place. What do you want to eat?”


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out! I had a bit of writer’s block oops
> 
> TW: Panic Attack

When Dongho blinks open his eyes, it's still dark outside, stars still hung in the sky. Boba had curled herself at the foot of his bed, just as she usually did at night.

Something was wrong though. Something had woken him up- a voice. Jaewon's.

Carefully, Dongho propped himself up to peek over the edge of his bed at Jaewon. He was still asleep, but his eyebrows were furrowed, and he seemed to be muttering something.

_He's probably having a bad dream._

As quietly as he can, Dongho sits up, Boba padding over the covers to curl in his lap. He's going to wait for Jaewon to go back to sleeping peacefully. After having a face-to-face encounter with an armed stalker, who knows how bad his nightmares could be.

_It's weird to watch someone sleep. I don't want to risk anything, though_.

It unfortunately isn't long before Jaewon jerks his head away from something, voice growing louder.

"No- get off, get off me!"

He's clawing at something around his neck, and Dongho's quick to scoop Boba off his lap and slide to the floor.

"Hey, Jaewon. You need to wake up." He shakes the younger's shoulder, and gets no response.

Jaewon's still grabbing at his neck, nails digging into his skin.

_He's going to hurt himself._

It's a split-second decision, but Dongho swings a leg over Jaewon and pins his arms to the floor. Jaewon struggles against his grip for a moment before his eyes- panicked, pupils blown wide from fear- blink open and stare straight at Dongho. His chest is heaving, breaths uneven and choppy, and it's so painfully obvious that he's absolutely terrified. If anything, he's more scared after looking at Dongho.

Dongho lets go of Jaewon's wrists and shifts back to sit leaning against his bed, carefully watching the younger.

"Are you ok?"

Jaewon sits up, nodding shakily. He keeps glancing at the older, eyes still wide with fear. He's definitely not okay.

"I'm going to go get you some water, okay?"

He nods again. Dongho stands, and nearly turns towards the door.

_I really shouldn't leave him alone._

His eyes fall to Boba. Quickly, Dongho scoops her up and places her in Jaewon's lap.

"Boba will keep you company."

Jaewon stares for a moment at the squirmy ball of fur, before Boba headbutts his chin.

_They kinda look alike._

It only takes a few minutes for Dongho to get two glasses of water, and he's back in his room fairly quickly. Boba's still cuddled up in Jaewon's lap, purring happily.

"Boba's really nice," Jaewon says softly. His voice is still shakey, and his hands are still trembling as he pets Boba.

"Yeah, she's sweet. I think she likes you, usually she doesn't let new people pet her," Dongho says, sitting on the edge of the futon.

Jaewon smiles a little, and then Boba stands up from his lap and walks over to her cat tree in the corner of the room.

"Did I bug her?"

"No, she just does that sometimes. It's exactly what you'd expect from a cat. Anyway, you should probably drink some water."

Carefully, Dongho hands over one of the glasses. Jaewon accepts it gratefully, and it's quiet for a while as they both drink.

Eventually Jaewon sets his glass down. "Thank you for the water. And the cat too, she's very nice."

"Don't worry about it. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Oh. I'm fine."

Dongho frowns. "Are you sure? If anything's bugging you, feel free to talk to me."

"I- well... what was happening? Before you woke me up?"

"You looked like you were choking yourself, and you kept asking someone to stop."

Jaewon grimaces, a hand running along his neck. "That's a lot... I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Jaewon, please don't apologize. You've had to deal with a lot today."

"Still, I don't want to be an inconvenience to you."

"You aren't an inconvenience."

Sighing, Jaewon looks away from Dongho. "I woke you up, didn't I? Because of my nightmare?"

"Who cares about that? We don't have a schedule tomorrow or anything, so we can sleep in." Dongho pauses for a second, debating a question in his head. "Jaewon, if you don't mind me asking... what was going on? Like, in your nightmare?"

Jaewon freezes. "I- are you sure you want me to tell you?"

"If you don't want to talk about it, I get that. It just seemed a bit serious, that's all."

"Oh. Well, uh... it was about... what happened today? Sort of?" Jaewon gulps nervously. "The girl, she was... choking me. I can't remember anything else."

"Oh. You were trying to get her off or something, just in real life then."

Jaewon nods, hands fidgeting, until suddenly he blurts out, "I thought you were her when I woke up. Since you were holding me down."

There's a painful silence.

"I'm really sorry, Jaewon. If I had known-"

"No, I'm sorry. That was stupid to bring up, I shouldn't have bothered you-"

Dongho sighs. "Jaewon, can you look at me for a second?"

Jaewon glances up, eyes panicked. He's shaking still, hands burrowed in the sleeves of the shirt Dongho lent him. The shirt's at least one size too big on him, drowning his thin frame in soft cream fabric.

God, he looks so small.

Dongho hesitates for a second before asking, "Do- do you need a hug?"

It's all it takes for Jaewon to just _crumple_. He manages to nod, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Come here."

Dongho opens his arms up, and they're very quickly wrapped around a shaking Jaewon. His face is buried in Dongho's shoulder and he's sobbing, hands clinging onto Dongho's t-shirt. It's hard not to wonder how long it's been since someone gave Jaewon a hug. Gently, Dongho combs his fingers through Jaewon's surprisingly soft hair. Apparently Jaewon finds it soothing, further relaxing into the older's embrace.

Soon Jaewon's tears stop, but he continues to lean against Dongho. It's late, he's exhausted from crying and from the nightmare, and Dongho's just so warm.

"I'm guessing you're tired, huh?"

Jaewon nods, nuzzling into the crook of Dongho's neck. He smells like some sort of fancy cologne, the same kind that Jaewon's borrowed shirt smells like.

"Do you want to stay with me?"

Dongho can feel the younger nod against his neck. He stands up carefully, Jaewon's legs wrapped around his waist, and sits down on his bed.

After a bit of maneuvering, Dongho manages to get them settled comfortably. Jaewon's head rests on his chest, Dongho's fingers still combing through his hair, and their legs are tangled together beneath the covers.

Jaewon's warm, much warmer than he's used to being at his apartment. He can hear Dongho's heart beating, a quiet reminder that he's safe. He isn't by himself for once.

Dongho stays awake for a while after Jaewon's fallen asleep. He continues to play with Jaewon's hair, letting the soft strands run through his fingers.

It's quite nice to hold Jaewon, he finds. It's warm and somewhat comforting, and when Dongho grows tired, eyelids weighing themselves down, it's far too easy to fall asleep.


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of Periods, Unhealthy Eating Habits, Drinking, Vocal Dysphoria

They’re moving into a dorm.

Jaewon is terrified.

The only reason that the others haven’t figured out anything is because they all live separately. Jaewon doesn’t have to worry about hiding things like his stash of pads, his packers, even something as normal as his shoes- all of them, even his house slippers, have three-centimeter-thick insoles to make him just a bit taller.

There’s other things- not trans-specific things, but Jaewon-specific things- that he’ll have to hide, such as the fact that most of his clothes are a size too big, or that he really doesn’t eat much _dongho probably knows that already_ and when he does eat, it’s complete junk.

Jaewon’s got a sinking suspicion that Dongho’s behind the drive to get a dorm.

_he has to know. between the ramen cups and the empty fridge, it’s obvious, isn’t it._

It’s hard to concentrate on packing. His hands shake as he folds clothing, as the boxes fill with hoodies and tshirts and sweatpants and skinny jeans- that’s all he wears, anyway.

He’s not quite sure why Dongho would insist on a dorm, though. If it’s just to watch him, to make sure that he’s eating well, Jaewon can’t help but feel like he’s being babied. He’s 22, for crying out loud.

_he’s nice, though. he let me stay with him. he even hugged me. we shared a bed, too._

_does he actually care?_

Jaewon freezes, still holding a shirt. Could Dongho actually care about him?

It’s not the kind of question he could just ask over a text or something. It’s far too serious.

He sighs, and throws the shirt into a box. He hates moving.

———

They’ve been in the dorm for all of twelve hours and it’s a mess. Boxes are still scattered everywhere, stuff half unpacked.

Dongho’s the only one close to being done, all his stuff organized neatly in a way that’s so undoubtedly him. His roommate, Minsoo, still has most of his stuff in boxes, except for his gaming setup that took three hours to get “perfect.”

Daehyun, Jaewon’s roommate, gets distracted by the smallest things. He spent an hour trying to sort out his guitar storage- a special hook on the wall made to hold guitars- becuase he couldn’t get it straight and all of his clothing is haphazardly hung in the small closet or folded on the shelves he added underneath the hanger rack.

Jaewon’s struggling. His bed, the top bunk, is made, and he’s got a small desk area set up, but getting things into his dresser is hard. Especially when he’s trying to unpack and hide things, such as pads, without Daehyun noticing.

“Aish, Daehyun. Have you finally managed to get your stuff unpacked?”

Daehyun smiles at Dongho, books in hand. “Almost done, hyung! How’s Minsoo-hyung doing?”

“Horribly. Jaewon, are you almost done?”

Jaewon glances around at his boxes, trying to remember which ones have suspicious items and which ones are fine. “I... uh- I’m working on it.”

Dongho sighs. “I’m going to help Minsoo, if either of you finish, please come help. He’s a disaster. Plus, the quicker we get done the quicker we can order food, so hurry up.”

The promise of food spurs on Daehyun, and he hurries to shove the rest of his books onto shelves and flatten his moving boxes. The maknae runs out of his and Jaewon’s room, unfolded boxes clutched under his arm.

Jaewon gives a sigh of relief. Finally, he’s able to unpack his things in peace, without the added stress of someone possibly peeking over his shoulder.

He shoves the more secretive items he has in the back of the bottom drawer of his dresser, placing his socks and underwear in front of them. There’s little chance of anyone snooping through his underwear drawer, right?

It’s fairly quick to unpack the rest of his clothing after that. His pants all go in the middle drawer, along with his few t-shirts. The top drawer is filled with hoodies and other sweaters, all a size too big and soft.

There’s not much left after his clothes are unpacked. One box holds the penguin plushie, something that Jaewon couldn’t get rid of, no matter how much he hated looking at it. It was a gift from a fan, one of the few he’s ever gotten. The tracker’s gone, at least. Jaewon did his best to remove it and sew the little plushie back up, so the poor thing’s a little more lopsided than it used to be.

Jaewon pulls it out of its box. It’s cute, and soft, but he can’t look at it without seeing Sohee. Sadly, he places the penguin back in its box and shoves it onto the top shelf of his small corner closet. There’s a few puffer jackets hung in there already, waiting for winter.

Stepping back, Jaewon looks around the room, at how blatantly bare his side is compared to Daehyun’s. He doesn’t have small trinkets scattered across his dresser, nor does he have a pile of plushies on his bed. He doesn’t have things hanging on the walls, photos of him with friends from school.

It doesn’t look like he really lives in this room.

Jaewon frowns and begins flattening his boxes.

———

Dinner turns into a celebration when Minsoo bringing out two bottles of yogurt soju to go with the takeout they’d ordered, spicy stir-fried noodles with pork.

Jaewon doesn’t usually drink, but this is a special occasion. Plus, he can tell Dongho’s keeping an eye on him.

“To Mayhem!” Minsoo cheers and knocks back a shot of soju, starting off the toast.

The other three clink their glasses together before joining in taking a shot. It’s sweet, and nowhere near as awful as the drinks Jaewon’s seen people order at clubs, but he still winces a bit at the burn of the alcohol in his throat.

They’ve got ISC coming up now, as their manager informed them. Minsoo’s out for blood against his brother, and after a few shots he’s started to go off on a ranting tangent about how his brother (Minsung?) should have never been their parent’s favorite. Dongho seems used to it, pouring himself another shot while listening to Minsoo, and Daehyun nods along to the story, adding sarcastic (drunk) comments as he sees fit.

Jaewon listens in for a bit, hoping to distract himself from the amount of food he’s eating. There’s a moment where he pauses, staring into his bowl of noodles and tries to calculate the calories, how much weight he’ll gain, how much will got straight to his thighs and- Dongho’s staring at him. He knows his hands are a bit shaky, but Jaewon grabs a mouthful of noodles with his chopsticks and bites down on it. His cheeks are full of food, and he glances up at Dongho. He’s turned his attention back to Minsoo.

Relieved that the older didn’t make a scene out of it, Jaewon swallows, the spice from the noodles making his tongue tingle.

_god, this is hard._

———

It’s late when they head to bed, Jaewon forced to support a somewhat tipsy Daehyun in getting back to their room. Dae’s thankfully wearing sweatpants and a soft shirt, so there’s no big issue with just tucking him into bed. Jaewon just makes sure to place Dae’s water bottle next to his bed.

He feels far too out of place to go to bed. This isn’t home, not even close. There isn’t much he can do about that, though, except for changing into more comfortable clothes. So he grabs sweatpants and a sweatshirt and darts into the bathroom.

Once Jaewon’s comfortable, soft fabric swamping his body, he drops his other clothes into the hamper and pads out to the living room.

Dongho’s in the kitchen making tea. He sets another mug out after spotting Jaewon.

Maybe it’s because of the gentle buzz of the alcohol in his system, but Jaewon doesn’t turn down the offer of tea, instead choosing to sit at the small breakfast bar and fold his arms on the counter, resting his head on top of them.

Lazily, Dongho ruffles the younger’s bright hair. “Well, congratulations on surviving move-in day.”

“Same to you, hyung.”

There’s a slight chuckle from Dongho. “All I really had to do was wrangle Minsoo. You had to pretty much move everything, didn’t you?”

“Yea,” Jaewon shrugs. “No big deal.”

“Well, once the tea’s ready we can sit on the balcony.”

“There’s a balcony?”

“It’s a small one, but it’s there.” Dongho gestures towards the big window in the living room, and to the small platform outside of it.

“Oh! We can look at the stars!” Jaewon cringes at his voice, it comes out child-like and higher than he wants it too.

Dongho seems not to notice, turning back to the now-whistling teapot. “Do you want to head out there once the tea’s done?”

Jaewon nods, not trusting his voice any longer.

A warm mug of brewing tea gets pressed into his hands, and Dongho waves him toward the balcony. The older snaps open the locks and Jaewon follows him onto the small platform.

When they sit, backs to the window, their legs dangle through the bars and out into the chilled night air.

Dongho stares out at the lights of the city, sipping at his weakly-brewed tea.

Jaewon, however, stares up at the stars, letting the warmth of his mug seep into his hands.


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Unhealthy Eating Habits, Periods, Dysphoria, Self-Destructive Tendencies

It's probably not healthy, Jaewon's very well aware of that. He hasn't has a period in what feels like months now, probably a combination of stress and a less-than-healthy diet. On one hand, he doesn't miss having to deal with horrible cramps every month. On the other, however, it hangs over his head, a constant threat to any schedules or plans he makes.

Thankfully, none of the others make it a habit to snoop through his backpack.

Most of what Jaewon carries is normal, such as his wallet, a power bank for his phone, a compact umbrella, a chapstick or two. Other things in his bag, however, are much less normal for guys to have. He's got a small bag of "emergency" stuff, pads and chocolates and a bottle of strong painkillers, all shoved in the bottom of his bag to (hopefully) hide it from any prying eyes.

After moving into the dorm, he's on much higher alert than normal. Dongho's been keeping an eye on him, especially involving meals. Jaewon knows very well that one of the main reasons for skipped periods is poor nutrition, something that his self-imposed diet definitely contributed to. But now with Dongho watching him, he's been eating much more, enough that it could trigger his cycle to return.

It's stupid, but Jaewon hopes that the amount of stress he's under is enough to keep things at bay.

———

The first afternoon they come back to the dorms after practice, a small argument breaks out over who gets to shower first. Jaewon insists on going last, and drifts off to his room to read for a while.

Eventually Minsoo pokes his head in, hair still wet. "Your turn, Jaewon! Shower's open."

Jaewon manages to give a tight smile before sliding off his bunk and climbing down the short ladder. Minsoo's headed off to the kitchen by the time Jaewon's in the hallway.

He locks the bathroom door behind him. Realistically, he knows the others won't barge in while he's showering, but it's just a small sense of comfort to know they can't get in now.

As usual, Jaewon turns the water on long before stepping into the shower to let the steam fog up any mirrors. So far, there seems to only be one, the vanity mirror above the sink, which is already fogged over from the other three showering before him. Once he can hear the water raining down on the already damp tiles, Jaewon's quick to pull off his workout clothes.

His clothing thrown into the bathroom hamper, Jaewon turns to grab a towel off of the rack hanging from the door and-

There's a mirror there. A full length, mostly unfogged mirror.

He freezes, eyes locked on his reflection. On all the things that are wrong.

His too-slim shoulders, his too-dainty wrists, too-slender hands. The scars on his pecs, barely visible now except to his eyes. The way his ribs stick out too much and yet his stomach will never be perfectly flat, just a painful reminder that yes, he's a living breathing human with organs, some of which he never even wanted. His thighs, never slim enough for him, the sides covered in what looks like stretch marks (and Jaewon's the only one who knows that most of them are scars, even if he can't remember exactly which ones are anymore) and he knows that he'll never be satisfied with how he looks but-

"Hyung, did I leave my glasses in there?"

Jaewon snaps out of whatever daze he was in and quickly tugs a bathrobe on. "Uh... I don't know, Dae. Did you leave them on the counter?"

"Probably. I'll wait to get them until you're done showering."

Daehyun walks back into the living room, Jaewon able to hear his footsteps through the door.

Jaewon breaths a sigh of relief, and turns away from the mirror. He slips off the robe, ducking into the hot water.

His hands are shaking as he scrubs at his hair, shampoo lathering up into pinkish-red bubbles. He’s used to the water running down the drain being red-tinged, but tonight he’s sure there’s blood under his fingernails.

He’s clawing at his scalp, nails longer than he usually keeps them for this reason exactly. The shampoo stings at the red-raw scratches left behind by his fingernails. That sting’s enough to keep him grounded, eyes locked on the tiles directly in front of him.

Finally, Jaewon pauses, letting the hot water wash away the bubbles in his hair. He tries to ignore how much more red the water is than normal, the way red clings to the undersides of his fingernails, the way his scalp burns when the water touches it. He hates when he gets like this.

As he massages conditioner into his hair, it’s an active struggle to keep from clawing at his scalp again, and even more so when he starts washing off his body. He hates it, the stupid, almost irresistible urge to claw at the clear skin on his arms, as if that will make him hate himself any less.

Jaewon wishes so badly that the horrible need to scratch his skin would wash down the drain along with the soap suds and conditioner, but it continues to linger, even as he dries off and slips his bathrobe back on. Carefully, he rubs a towel through his hair, wincing when the fabric runs over the scratches on his scalp. It’s worse when he goes to blow dry his hair, the hot air only irritating the red lines clawed into his skin more, and he quickly switches the blow dryer to a colder temperature.

He should eat. He knows he should. But Jaewon’s tired, and he just wants to curl up under his covers and sleep for a while. He grabs pajamas from his dresser and ducks back into the bathroom to change and brush his teeth.

Despite the fact that he knows better than to cut his nails while they’re still damp, he rifles through his drawer in the bathroom for his nail clippers. He does his best to ignore the reddish tinge to his nails, and instead focuses on cutting them at a decent length: not too short, because then it hurts, but not too long because then he can and will scratch himself. They end up a little shorter than intended, but Jaewon doesn’t care. At least he’s unable to leave claw marks on his skin until his nails grow out again.

He has to look in the mirror again to hang up his towel. It’s not as bad now, though. Everything’s hidden under his hoodie and pajama pants, his freshly-blowdried hair fluffy enough to distract from how horribly round his jaw looks.

Jaewon stops in the kitchen to say goodnight to the others. Minsoo just smiles, and tells him to sleep well. Daehyun gives a thumbs up, mouth full of instant ramen, and Dongho frowns.

“Are you going to eat anything?”

“No, I’m kinda tired. Thank you though, hyung!”

Dongho rolls his eyes, moving around the kitchen. “Aish, go sit down. I’ll make you some ramen. Do you like extra spice in yours?”

Jaewon freezes for a second. “Hyung, you really don’t need to. I’m not hungry, and I already brushed my teeth, so-“

There’s a moment of silence, Dongho still reaching towards the packs of ramen in the cabinet. Eventually he relents, shutting the door quietly. “...ok then. Sleep well, Jaewon.”

“I will, hyung. Thank you!”

Once back in his and Daehyun’s room, Jaewon clicks off the ceiling light and dims his desk lamp before climbing up the ladder to his bed. It’s comfortable on his top bunk, which is a slight mess of pillows and blankets and comforters.

He slides under the covers, rearranging his pillows, and pulls his hood over his head before laying down to face the wall. Dae’ll turn the lamp off when he come in, but until then the room’s cast in a soft glow.

Jaewon can’t sleep with any lights on.

His hood works fine for blocking it out, though. Jaewon’s comfy in his nest of a bed, even if his scalp still stings in a uniquely uncomfortable way that he hates being used to. Everything’s soft and warm and, when he tugs the strings of his hood to close it further around his head, dark enough for him to sleep.


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: dysphoria, disordered eating

Jaewon doesn't often try to compare himself to the rest of MAYHEM, but it's hard not to when all four of them are working out together. ISAC's coming up, and Minsoo insisted that they prepare because they _have_ to win against SA1NT.

Dongho seemed somewhat happy to get more workout buddies, Daehyun was down as long as he could just run on the treadmills for the whole time ("I'm only doing the relay, anyway! It makes sense!"), and Jaewon just tagged along because the others were all going.

Maybe it wasn't the best choice to go on a day when his dysphoria was already worse than usual. Just being at the gym, even if it is just him and the others, makes it so much easier for thoughts he hasn't had in such a long time to come back.

He looks too girly compared to the others.

Daehyun's tall, he's got broader shoulders and slimmer legs.

Minsoo's got a deeper voice, and more confidence than Jaewon could ever imagine having.

Dongho's more buff than all of them, with the strongest shoulders and probably the most powerful voice in the group.

And he's nothing like them.

Jaewon can feel panic bubbling under his skin, and tries to drown it out with the music playing from his earbuds. It doesn't work.

He needs to leave.

But how?

Minsoo's going to want a reason for why he's leaving, and he doesn't really have one. He doesn't _want_ to lie anymore than he has to (and he already lies so, so much) but...

"...hyung? I know you want us to all work out together, to prepare for ISAC and all that-"

Minsoo frowns, pausing his music. "You're not skipping out, are you?"

Jaewon bites his lip. "...the CEO wants to meet with me."

"Aish. Fine, go. We'll be back in an hour or two. Have fun at your meeting," Minsoo says sharply.

Jaewon ignores the way Minsoo's works stab at him, instead turning the volume of his music up as he heads to the locker room to grab his bag.

He'll shower at the dorm. It's just safer.

———

The water's almost burning when Jaewon finally steps in, mirrors sufficiently fogged over. He _knows_ it's going to mess with his dyed hair, it always does.

Still, he takes a shaking breath as he sits on the tile floor, curling up with his head on his knees. Hot water pelts against his back, against his still-aching shoulders and back and really, they just always hurt.

Jaewon really doesn't feel like trying to wash his hair. Too much work. It's far too likely that he'd end up tugging at it again. He doesn't like when that happens.

Instead he just sits there, the pounding of the water enough to numb his brain just for a while, the burn of the water on his skin enough to distract from all the ways he feels _wrong_.

He should have just said no to going with the group in the first place.

———

"Jaewon-ah, we're back!" Minsoo, as usual, is loud and boisterous, practically bouncing through the apartment.

Daehyun's laughing about something, and Dongho is, as usual, the quiet one.

Jaewon's the one that goes unnoticed, usually. But now he just curls up more into his blankets, hood already tugged over his head, hoping that he'll be left alone when Daehyun eventually pokes his head into their room.

"Hyung? We're back, if you wanted to-" the door swings open "-oh. You're sleeping." Daehyun coughs a bit, and more quietly says "Sorry, I'll tell Minsoo-hyung to keep it down."

"Don't tell me he's still at the-"

"Shhh, hyung. Jaewon's asleep."

"...of course he is. I swear, he sleeps the most out of all of us, and he drinks the most coffee, and yet he still-"

"Shhh!"

"Sorry, sorry. Dibs on the shower."

Daehyun sighs from the doorway as Minsoo runs into his own room, and walks back to the living room.

Maybe he should feel bad about it. Jaewon doesn't, though. Instead he keeps quietly scrolling through Twitter, his back to the door.

It's not healthy. He knows that. He looks through his mentions anyway, through the seemingly walls and walls of hate.

There's some of it that he agrees with.

———

"Oh, you're up, good!" Minsoo grins from his perch on top of the kitchen counter, tapping at something on his phone. His hair's still damp. "We don't have anything in the fridge, so we're ordering dinner. Anything you want?"

Jaewon laughs awkwardly, hand rubbing at the back of his neck. "Anything, really. I'm not all that hungry, so-"

"You said that last night, too." Dongho frowns, eyes trained on Jaewon.

"I guess I'm not usually hungry later in the day?"

Minsoo frowns, but continues tapping at his phone. "I'll just get you whatever Dae ends up getting."

"...thanks hyung."

———

Jaewon's on his bunk again, still scrolling through Twitter, and someone pushes the door open. It's Minsoo.

"Can I come in? Just wanted to talk to you real quick."

"...sure?" _it's the scandals. because i left early? did i forget something at practice the other day? oh no what's-_

Minsoo climbs up the ladder to Jaewon's bunk, carefully sitting next to the younger. "...figured it'd be better to talk in here. I... uh... you're eating enough, right?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"'m just checking. You ate lunch when you came back from that meeting, yes?"

"Yes, hyung. I got a sandwich on the way back- oh, did you know that there's lots of nice cafes near the company?

Minsoo smiles a bit. "...I know. Don't change the topic, though."

"...sorry."

"You don't need to apologize. Just... Dongho's worried. Told me, 'n since I'm the leader, 'm supposed to check on everyone. I'll let him know that you're doing fine, ok?"

Jaewon smiles. "Thank you, hyung."

_lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie_

"No problem. Ooh, we could get lunch together if we go to the gym earlier tomorrow- I think we'll do that. That sounds good." Minsoo slides down the ladder and walks out into the hallway mumbling to himself.

Jaewon just sighs, nails digging into his palm.

_why is everything a lie._

He misses his old apartment. He misses the quiet dark that he could lay in, alone. He misses not getting bothered about his eating habits, his showering habits, everything.

Jaewon misses it, even with its thin walls and bad water pressure and small closet.

At least there, he wasn't hiding as much.

At least there, he felt at home.

Jaewon misses his home.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed reading this so far! 
> 
> This is my first fanfic published on A03, and I’d really appreciate it if you could leave a comment or some kudos!
> 
> I’m hoping to update every other week, but it will depend on how much schoolwork I have. Until then, stay tuned!


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